The main features of this postmodern age include fragmentation, fracturing and an ‘anything goes’ attitude. These representations can be found more and more within our society today, and are expressed particularly in the family unit. Children are being raised in homes that are often not the traditional two parent families. Some of these homes are broken, and some are not. Divorce often leads to the creation of two households instead of one, and can have devastating effects on the child. Despite this potential damage to a young life, divorce is now readily accepted, and in the UK alone, one in four children will see their parents divorce during their childhood, and nearly 30,000 children will go through a parent’s divorce for a second or subsequent time.
Children of divorced parents are reported to have higher chances of behavioural problems and mood disorders such as anxiety or clinical depression, than children from non-divorced families. The National Child Development Study which was completed in 2008 shows that people from divorced families have higher rates of alcoholism and substance abuse problems in comparison to those from tight family units. The same study also shows that children with divorced parents are also more likely to end up claiming benefits, finish education without qualifications, and doing less well generally in their schools and careers.
London based psychotherapist Kitty Bowler has worked as a child psychologist in the past and says that, “Divorce is a crack, it’s a split, and that changes things. It is problematic and it is naïve to think that it won’t be. More often than not, the child is far more likely to be unstable having come from divorced parents.
“The aim should be that the child doesn’t think that it’s about them. That must be the primary aim. You won’t be wholly successful because it’s very difficult for a child to not see themselves as part of their parents. The detachment between the parents and child hasn’t really started so it’s hard for a child not to be a part of what is happening.”
A lot of external elements such as circumstances, character, levels of communication, transparency and honesty, can contribute to how a child copes with the rupture of a divorce, obviously depending on the age of the child. Kitty says that is important that “the child sees that it’s ok to feel and to express those feelings, and that those feelings are met or validated. The child is then going to be much more comfortable and therefore less traumatised by the divorce.”
Alison Jones*, is a ten year old from Sussex whose parents divorced six months ago. Alison is no longer upset about the separation anymore but still has unrealistic wishes,
“I keep hoping that they will get back together. Mum has said that we are better off like this but I am not sure - I know she would get angry though if she found out I wanted them to be together again. None of my other friends have divorced parents so I’m like the odd one out.”
Alison says that she doesn’t think that she will be affected by the divorce, and thinks that the divorce was fairly amicable. Fortunately, she has no memories of terrible arguments between her parents or neglect on their part.
One adult child of divorced parents who does feel that she has been affected is Mary Goulding, a 31 year-old social worker who now lives in East London. Mary was brought up in France with her two younger brothers until her parents divorced because of indiscretions on her father’s side. At the age of 11, Mary moved to the Cayman Islands with her father for three years, before moving to London to be with her mother, and also for the more enlightened education system in Britain. Mary has had a series of unsuccessful and short term relationships and believes that the causes of these stem from her childhood.
“I have an inherent inability to trust men, and a large part of this comes from knowing that my father had extra-marital affairs. When I reach the point of a relationship becoming serious, I always pull out. Not because I don’t have strong feelings for the man, but because I don’t trust him and I don’t want to get hurt.”
“My childhood was certainly disruptive and I feel quite sure that this has impacted on my life. I am currently having weekly one-to-one therapy sessions where we work through a lot of these issues.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, studies show that adults who have come from divorced families seek psychiatric help at higher rates. It is also common knowledge in the psychotherapy arena that both men and women from divorced families sometimes experience trouble in maintaining healthy relationships with partners.
A study from Divorce Aid, an independent group that offer both counseling and legal advice to children and adults, shows that 70% of children from divorced families view divorce as an adequate solution to marital problems. This compares to just 30% of children from non-divorced families who share the same view.
The effects of divorce on children can be so distressing that one woman, Caryn Burdine, has created an ‘anti-divorce’ web page on her religious website, Victory in Jesus. Caryn believes that “divorce was created by man as a convenient way out of a self-imposed problem. Marriage is a sacred sanctity and it was never God’s intention for a marriage to end in separation.”
“Look at what divorce does to the family unit. I see the family unit as the backbone to our ‘society’ and now that once strong unit is fading fast. What does divorce teach children about family, commitment and loyalty? What does it teach them about love and relationships? Absolutely nothing that could be of any use later in their lives.”
There are many charities that provide support for both parents and children who have been affected by divorce, such as Partnership for Children, which is a charity that helps children and young people with their emotional wellbeing through difficult times in their lives, such as seeing their parents divorce. It also gives parents advice on how to help their children adapt to new situations after a separation.
Chris Bale from the charity advises parents, “Tell children as much as you reasonably can without being cruelly explicit to the child about the divorce. Too many parents will say ‘Daddy’s gone on holiday’. What does that mean though – is he coming back? Being open and honest will certainly pave the way for the child for better resolution later on.”
Chris also says that it is important for the child that both parents keep in good contact so that they both continue to play roles in their child’s life, rather than one parent becoming alienated.
However, despite divorce being emotionally challenging and upsetting for the child, and also the parents, in some cases, a divorce can be a life-raft waiting to happen, especially if the marriage involved physical or verbal abuse.
Claire Piggot, a solicitor from the Mills & Reeve family team in Birmingham, says that in her experience with family divorce cases, “Being a child with divorced parents is nearly always better than being a child of parents who are unhappy and are together.” Depending on how old the child is, they can have a significant say in which parent they would like to live with, but this can also be a great source of anxiety for the child or adolescent.
“The court always look at what’s in the child’s best interests, that’s the starting point. The child’s voice really does depend on their age, and their level of maturity.”
One woman who does think that her children have benefitted as a result of her divorce is Ayda Simones*, a 44 year-old Portuguese woman who lives in Stockwell in north London went through a divorce three years ago. Amelia reflects on her marriage with her ex-husband,
“My life with him then was so bad all the time, and for my kids as well. I think it’s better now that we have separated. I am happy because now I don’t have a man to make me sick and tired all the time. I was married for 22 years before we separated and these years were bad. He punished me and called me names. He was a horrible man to both me and my children. I’m glad I’m not with him now, and I like to think that my children are too.”
Despite evidence of the uncertainty in family life that can result following a divorce though, the divorce rate in the UK continues to rise, further fragmenting our culture. Today, divorce is seen as an individual’s right in the postmodern belief system, regardless of the situation, and for some families, maybe divorce is the healthiest option for everyone involved. However, perhaps more couples should consider other options besides a divorce, which can clearly have potentially insidious short and long term affects on children as the whole process is woven into the very development of a child.
*Names changed to protect identity
Children of divorced parents are reported to have higher chances of behavioural problems and mood disorders such as anxiety or clinical depression, than children from non-divorced families. The National Child Development Study which was completed in 2008 shows that people from divorced families have higher rates of alcoholism and substance abuse problems in comparison to those from tight family units. The same study also shows that children with divorced parents are also more likely to end up claiming benefits, finish education without qualifications, and doing less well generally in their schools and careers.
London based psychotherapist Kitty Bowler has worked as a child psychologist in the past and says that, “Divorce is a crack, it’s a split, and that changes things. It is problematic and it is naïve to think that it won’t be. More often than not, the child is far more likely to be unstable having come from divorced parents.
“The aim should be that the child doesn’t think that it’s about them. That must be the primary aim. You won’t be wholly successful because it’s very difficult for a child to not see themselves as part of their parents. The detachment between the parents and child hasn’t really started so it’s hard for a child not to be a part of what is happening.”
A lot of external elements such as circumstances, character, levels of communication, transparency and honesty, can contribute to how a child copes with the rupture of a divorce, obviously depending on the age of the child. Kitty says that is important that “the child sees that it’s ok to feel and to express those feelings, and that those feelings are met or validated. The child is then going to be much more comfortable and therefore less traumatised by the divorce.”
Alison Jones*, is a ten year old from Sussex whose parents divorced six months ago. Alison is no longer upset about the separation anymore but still has unrealistic wishes,
“I keep hoping that they will get back together. Mum has said that we are better off like this but I am not sure - I know she would get angry though if she found out I wanted them to be together again. None of my other friends have divorced parents so I’m like the odd one out.”
Alison says that she doesn’t think that she will be affected by the divorce, and thinks that the divorce was fairly amicable. Fortunately, she has no memories of terrible arguments between her parents or neglect on their part.
One adult child of divorced parents who does feel that she has been affected is Mary Goulding, a 31 year-old social worker who now lives in East London. Mary was brought up in France with her two younger brothers until her parents divorced because of indiscretions on her father’s side. At the age of 11, Mary moved to the Cayman Islands with her father for three years, before moving to London to be with her mother, and also for the more enlightened education system in Britain. Mary has had a series of unsuccessful and short term relationships and believes that the causes of these stem from her childhood.
“I have an inherent inability to trust men, and a large part of this comes from knowing that my father had extra-marital affairs. When I reach the point of a relationship becoming serious, I always pull out. Not because I don’t have strong feelings for the man, but because I don’t trust him and I don’t want to get hurt.”
“My childhood was certainly disruptive and I feel quite sure that this has impacted on my life. I am currently having weekly one-to-one therapy sessions where we work through a lot of these issues.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, studies show that adults who have come from divorced families seek psychiatric help at higher rates. It is also common knowledge in the psychotherapy arena that both men and women from divorced families sometimes experience trouble in maintaining healthy relationships with partners.
A study from Divorce Aid, an independent group that offer both counseling and legal advice to children and adults, shows that 70% of children from divorced families view divorce as an adequate solution to marital problems. This compares to just 30% of children from non-divorced families who share the same view.
The effects of divorce on children can be so distressing that one woman, Caryn Burdine, has created an ‘anti-divorce’ web page on her religious website, Victory in Jesus. Caryn believes that “divorce was created by man as a convenient way out of a self-imposed problem. Marriage is a sacred sanctity and it was never God’s intention for a marriage to end in separation.”
“Look at what divorce does to the family unit. I see the family unit as the backbone to our ‘society’ and now that once strong unit is fading fast. What does divorce teach children about family, commitment and loyalty? What does it teach them about love and relationships? Absolutely nothing that could be of any use later in their lives.”
There are many charities that provide support for both parents and children who have been affected by divorce, such as Partnership for Children, which is a charity that helps children and young people with their emotional wellbeing through difficult times in their lives, such as seeing their parents divorce. It also gives parents advice on how to help their children adapt to new situations after a separation.
Chris Bale from the charity advises parents, “Tell children as much as you reasonably can without being cruelly explicit to the child about the divorce. Too many parents will say ‘Daddy’s gone on holiday’. What does that mean though – is he coming back? Being open and honest will certainly pave the way for the child for better resolution later on.”
Chris also says that it is important for the child that both parents keep in good contact so that they both continue to play roles in their child’s life, rather than one parent becoming alienated.
However, despite divorce being emotionally challenging and upsetting for the child, and also the parents, in some cases, a divorce can be a life-raft waiting to happen, especially if the marriage involved physical or verbal abuse.
Claire Piggot, a solicitor from the Mills & Reeve family team in Birmingham, says that in her experience with family divorce cases, “Being a child with divorced parents is nearly always better than being a child of parents who are unhappy and are together.” Depending on how old the child is, they can have a significant say in which parent they would like to live with, but this can also be a great source of anxiety for the child or adolescent.
“The court always look at what’s in the child’s best interests, that’s the starting point. The child’s voice really does depend on their age, and their level of maturity.”
One woman who does think that her children have benefitted as a result of her divorce is Ayda Simones*, a 44 year-old Portuguese woman who lives in Stockwell in north London went through a divorce three years ago. Amelia reflects on her marriage with her ex-husband,
“My life with him then was so bad all the time, and for my kids as well. I think it’s better now that we have separated. I am happy because now I don’t have a man to make me sick and tired all the time. I was married for 22 years before we separated and these years were bad. He punished me and called me names. He was a horrible man to both me and my children. I’m glad I’m not with him now, and I like to think that my children are too.”
Despite evidence of the uncertainty in family life that can result following a divorce though, the divorce rate in the UK continues to rise, further fragmenting our culture. Today, divorce is seen as an individual’s right in the postmodern belief system, regardless of the situation, and for some families, maybe divorce is the healthiest option for everyone involved. However, perhaps more couples should consider other options besides a divorce, which can clearly have potentially insidious short and long term affects on children as the whole process is woven into the very development of a child.
*Names changed to protect identity
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